Thursday, January 2, 2014
I’ve been focusing on fitness a lot in the last month. I didn’t even purpose it around “resolutions” because I typically don’t make them. I have been feeling…less than satisfied about my appearance of late and had mentioned to my husband that I’d like to find a way to squeeze a gym membership into our budget. The next day, a flyer advertising a one-day-deal for a $10/month membership to a [small] local gym appeared in our mailbox. Fabulous.
Today marks the one-year anniversary of the day I might consider to be the worst day of my life. It was the day I discovered, all too tangibly, that the possibility of losing one of my children was an actual possibility. Today was the day I had the appointment where they did every test possible to find a heartbeat and none was found.
Yesterday, I was…well, crabby would be the tame way of describing me yesterday. I go to a bad place when I’m trying not to cry and my family takes the brunt. I was not “fun mom” yesterday, I was edgy, unhappy, maybe-you-should-steer-clear mom. Thankfully, Daddy filled in for me and played on the floor, coached Sophia in the middle of her emotional disasters and made the morning a good one for them.
And then I went to the gym. Let me be clear. I did NOT want to go – I wanted to lay in bed and cry, but I trudged on. And while it didn’t completely cure my attitude, it made me much more bearable to be around and gave me some energy to pour a little love into my girls.
So, I’ve decided that I want to make the most of what I remember to be the worst day of my life. I want to take that sad energy and put it somewhere useful. I have ten pounds hanging on my body from the pregnancies that held my two lost babies. Those pounds aren’t the worst thing in the world and my size is just fine, but I am more out of shape than I ever have been in my entire life and I plan to do something about it.
My GOAL, not resolution, is to shed them before we begin to think about another baby. I’ve tried a lot, but in this case, I’m going to set this as my focus and goal for the next two months.
So. I’ve got my cheap gym and I’m taking advantage of a groupon I bought for a local studio with yoga and barre to get a bit toned. They also have a first-week-free deal that I’m taking full advantage of this week, meaning that by next Thursday, my leg muscles will melt into a pool of jello, but at least I’ll be toned, right?
I think it’s manageable, but even if it’s not, at least I’ll gain the mental health benefits in the meantime. And, whenever I feel so sad about all that we’ve lost, I’ll get to the gym, work hard and get myself in a better mood. That way I can go home and remember why I need to be in a good mood –for we’ve been blessed with a lot and they deserve a mama with a good attitude.
I’ll let you know when I get there.